Twelve Oblivious Fingers
by procrastinatesiren
Summary: Musings from a muse. Bill needs to fight for his freedom, but to do that.. He is going to have to seduce Stanford Pines.


Bill Cipher had a problem. Everything he had ever wanted, ever dreamed of was in his grasp. He had searched for millennia and finally found a piece of the zodiac for sure. This wasn't some star of llama drawing that popped up everywhere he searched. This was the hand. Sure six fingers were pretty common if you looked in the right spots, but here on this planet he had only seen one. An annoying, egotistical nerd. All the freak ever wanted to do was play fucking chess games. It was enough to drive any being of pure energy mad.

Sixer had stumbled right into his prophesied destiny. Whenever Bill showed up Sixer greeted him with admiration and awe. But the other one.. Well he would avoid Bill. The few stolen glances he'd dared to sneak at Bill's yellow eyes were always filled with fear and jealously.

The baboon nosed geek was a danger for Bill. Who had seen romantic relationships influence mortals for millennia. Well he wasn't going to give up his asset without a fight. He had worked too hard to steer him here.

Unlike most hiccups Bill had encountered, he couldn't just toss this one to the local dragon. Sixer _insisted_ he needed 'big-nose' in order to finish the portal.

Fiddleford flirted with Sixer endlessly. The man was obsessed. There was no way his toy couldn't see it. At the drop of a top-hat the man had moved across country. Hell all of his passwords were just 'Stanford.' It was pathetic. And it was only a matter of time before his pathetic toy fell for the disgusting human plight of love.

Any day now he'd jump at the man worshiping his feet (I mean, who can resist a little worship?). He'd listen to all the fears McGucket would whisper in his ear and abandon the portal.

So it was time to play dirty. To fight fire with fire. Tonight, like most breaks Sixer took from diligently working on the portal, they'd be together in the mindscape. Probably to play board games in a place of infinite possibilities.

Pulling Sixer into their shared mindscape once again Bill set his devious plan in motion.

The usual starry sky around them glittered with every galaxy from dimension 46. Books and scrolls floated around them, an assortment of boring works from throughout human history. Sixer would often pick out random parchments and start hyperventilating because it was something from Alexandria.

Tonight however there were a few extra things added around the place. The usual thrones had been increased slightly in size and with softer cushioning. Amongst the tea there was now also coffee and martinis. Then there was a two seater 1700s chair and a grand piano.

Bill made sure to hug his key to freedom when he arrived, knowing how he loved the touch. Although he seemed a little uncomfortable when Bill cuddled his neck and sat on his shoulder. Then he of course politely asked if Bill could play whist gesturing at the piano. It was terribly hard not to roll his eye.

Bill sipped a martini as they played chess. But Sixer of course didn't want to drink. Even without the repercussions of intoxication the dillweed chose to drink herbal fucking tea.

Then as promised, after the game Bill floated atop the piano stool and began to play 'dream a little dream of me.' Ford smiled sweetly and clapped politely. Unholy demon overlord this guy could write a book on how to bore someone into insanity. Good thing Bill was already nuts! Bill promised himself one of these days he was just gonna reanimate all Sixer's internal organs, gut him open and have them sing and dance for him.

Then Bill pulled out the big gun. He started playing and singing Berry Manilow. But Sixer actually started laughing! Non-existent tea actually sprayed out the idiots nose! The gall! Laughing at an omnipresent being! Something about his amazing singing voice being the totally wrong pitch. The nerdy little shit.

With a tilted bowtie (a physically painful experience so Bill found it very hard not to laugh) Bill lounged out atop his grand piano.

_|┐「¤_ And slowly batted his eyelid in a seductive manor.

And that's when he said it. Without even ogling Bill's perfectly flat surface area, he said "Bill, I've been just dying to ask you! Were any of the Neanderthal and Homo sapiens crossbred children infertile?"

I MEAN WHAT THE MISTAKE OF AXOLOTL WAS HAPPENING?

Here Bill was, the sexiest triangle in the multiverse. Serenading and entertaining for an insignificant mortal and BAM. REJECTED. All the nerd wants to do is learn!

The sheer rudeness stung and appalled the semi-all-powerful entity.

Time passed as always with Bill just restraining himself from throttling the talking dictionary. He fell down exhausted on his chair as soon as his puppet left. Converting it mentally to his usual gigantic throne of the king of Mars turned to stone. Cushioned with hundreds of live jellyfish. What could he say? They gave great massages.

Bill found himself sighing in relief as he listened to a soothing chorus of screaming heads. No matter how insulted he felt, he was still glad he didn't have to go down that gross road to manipulate Sixer. Although he'd have to keep a very close eye on big-nose in the time being.


End file.
